The Horrors of Shopping

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Having a pear shaped body makes finding clothes online that actually fit a really hard task. With a full time job as a people pleaser -er- I mean waitress, I barely have time to go to the mall. The idea of having to take my clothes off in a tiny room with a dirty mirror gives me the creeps but it’s something I have to do. Anxiety overcomes my body as I hear footsteps getting louder and louder. Suddenly, a violent knock on the door. “Ocupado,” a word I was ready to spit out as soon as I got in the fitting room is heard in the short hallway with black-stained walls. Seriously, how much can a paint job cost?

I hear people mumbling, obviously complaining about how long people take to try on clothes. I remind myself that some decisions can’t be rushed when there’s a huge gap between my back and a pair of skinny jeans. Big booty / small waist problems. I slip on a smaller pair but they don’t make it past my thighs.

“Size up and tailor down.” All of a sudden, Stacy London pops up in my head. I remember What Not to Wear. Would Stacy and and Clinton be ok with these $55 jeans? I grab a leg and pull on both sides to test for stretch. A two inch difference is not enough.

“Miss, are you ok in there?” How long had it been?

“I’m fine.” Ugh, I had to hurry. Maybe if I squeezed my ass enough I could forcibly pull up the 25″ waist jeans. I did a little dance, I jumped a bit and I was starting to sweat. I reached my thighs and prepared for the moment of truth. Squeeze and pull. Squeeze and pull. Squeeze and… rip. I felt my eyes get big when I heard the dreadful noise of stitches coming undone. My fashion design professor would be so ashamed of me. What would a pre-“Fancy” Iggy Azalea do? A knock interrupted my thinking.

“Yes! I’m almost done. Jeez.”

I took both jeans and decided to buy the 26″ ones. $55 and I had to tailor them? Bummer. But there was nothing else I could do. I opened the door and the angsty teen already had his arm extended.

“Oh, um, I’m taking both.” He rolled his eyes and led the next lady towards the dressing room. As I walked past the long line, I felt eyes of judgement on me. Did they know? Did they hear? I scoured the store for the perfect spot to dump the wounded jeans. I figured camouflaging them would be best. I looked for one of those neatly stacked tower of jeans and stuffed them between size 25 of undamaged goods. This was evidence I needed to get rid of. I walked away with quick feet with my eyes on the counter. I was already reaching for my purse when I heard someone sigh in frustration. I looked over my shoulder and saw an employee down on his knees surrounded by a sea of denim. The jeans had fallen like poorly stacked Jenga tower.

“Next!” It was my turn and I panicked.

“I tried these on and decided I don’t want them.” I left the jeans at the counter and ran.

To be continued…

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Kate Spade Flavor of the Month Collection

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Get ready to feel carnival-y with Kate Spade’s Flavor of the Month Collection. Warning: Cute bags ahead!

KateSpadePeanuts
Peanuts Bag

$298
KateSpadeTeddy
Wicker Teddy Bear

$398
katespadeicecream
Ice Cream Truck Clutch

$358
KateSpadeCarousel.jpg
Carousel Bag

$398
KateSpadeAdmitOne.jpgAdmit One Clutch

$278

KateSpadePopsicle

Popsicle Coin Purse

$78

Enjoy 25% off with code PURPOSE. Valid through March 13th.

I love the Admit One Clutch. Which bag is your favorite?

What I learned at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale

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Photo via cupofniall

We finally got a Victoria’s Secret in my hometown and though I didn’t get what all the hype was about, — I mean, they’re just bras— I caved and went to the store only to find out they were having their semi-annual sale. Oh crap. As a newbie, I learned a few things:

  1. You’re probably wearing the wrong right bra size.

    Here’s what will happen: One of the ladies in all black will insist on measuring your bra size and say you’re wearing the wrong one. I went from a 36B to a 32D. At first I thought it was just Victoria’s Secret sizing. If the bras run two cup sizes too small, women will get excited thinking they’re bigger than they actually are. Turns out they run true to size and 36B and 32D are just sister sizes. Nice try, Victoria. Nice try. This takes us to number two:

  2. Look for sister sizes. 

    You like that super cute mint bra with watermelon pink rhinestones on the straps but it’s not your size? Check out your sister sizes. You may find it in another size bin. When a bra’s band size is increasing, the relative cup volume is decreasing. And when a bra’s band size is decreasing, the relative cup volume is increasing. More cup sizes can actually fit your breasts! More options! Yay! Use the size chart below to determine alternative cup sizes.

    SisterSizes

  3. Panties first, bras later.

    If you have OCD, meaning you must wear matching underwear, dive onto the panty table first. There are less panties than bras. Search for cute ones and then look for matching bras. Remember they don’t necessarily have to be a set. Go for matching colors or lace patterns.

  4. Team up!

    Go with a friend. Keep a lookout for each others size while frantically searching for your own and meet up at the dressing room later. Remember it’s sale and a random hand might snatch that $125 Christmas special edition, now on sale for $35, which was your friend’s size. Stick with the buddy system, grab what you can and get rid of what you don’t like later.

    victoriassecretsale

  5. Check their website

    If you don’t like the idea of a crowded store, online shopping is always an option. The only downside is you don’t get to try on the goods.

  6. Save up!

    Yes, it’s a sale but bras are still $16+ and very few of them are cute and within the $20-$25 range. If you want to stock up your intimates drawer, keep in mind that this sale is usually held during December/January and June/July. Fill that piggy bank!

  7. Remember your closet

    Yes, that purple passion bra is lovely but will it show through your tops?  Are most of your blouses white or ivory? If the answer is “yes,” go for neutrals first.

    Victoriassecretsaleundies

  8. Go as soon as the sale starts at no risk!

    If people would take the time and actually read the back of their receipt, they would learn that Victoria’s Secret has a 14 days price adjustment policy. Just take your receipt and the credit or debit card you used to make the purchase. Any markdowns will be returned to you in the same method of payment.

    Now save up to stock up during the Summer sale! May the bra odds be ever in your favor.

 

Planes, Trains and Angry Cabbies (Sourpuss Clothing Shoot)

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I thought I would never get to New Jersey when I heard that my flight got delayed.  I was certain I’d done something bad and karma was teaching me a lesson when it got delayed four more hours.  I became friends with a feisty and pissed off grandma who tried to scare me with horror stories involving a New York winter while we waited.  I didn’t listen.  In fact, I got even more excited when I heard the word “snow.”   As JetBlue tried to calm us down with food vouchers (they know Puerto Ricans very well), I re-read some old e-mails.  It hit me that I’d already confirmed my presence at a photo shoot in a town I’d never heard of.  Not even in Kristen Stewart indie movies.  Pennsahken?  Pennsoahken?  Pennsauken.

I’ve been entering Instagram giveaways since I joined the social networking site and didn’t think twice when I saw a post by Sourpuss Clothing looking for models for their Spring 2015 collection.  I’d been a fan of the company for a couple of years and was familiar with their brand.  I even had a sticker on my laptop that read “A Classy Kind of Trashy.”  The sticker was always on display because I believed it defined my personality.  My hair may be up in victory rolls, but I have sailor’s mouth.  I remember thinking it was perfect timing because I would be in New Jersey around that time.  My flight was booked in September and I was going to leave island life behind for two weeks on December 7th.

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                                       Steady Jessie Dress, $72

Scratch that.  I was going to leave on the 8th thanks to JetBlue.  My shoot was scheduled for the 9th and I felt myself getting a bit stressed out sitting next to the angry granny.  Fast forward to when I actually got on the plane and I cried quietly because of the non-stop turbulence.  I was glad it was only a 4 hour flight.  I would not make it alive if the plane is that shaky during an international one.

December 8th

After getting off at the wrong stop thinking I was in Trenton, a nice lady got me on the right train.  One stop and another train later, I was in Pennso… Pennsah… Pennsauken.  I waited for 40 minutes in the cold for a cabby that would later try to hang up a phone call by saying in Spanish that gringos don’t like it when cabbies are talking on the phone.  I surprised him by asking where he’s from—in Spanish.  Turns out we’re basically neighbors.  He’s from the Dominican Republic and I’m from right next to him.  I left him a hefty tip hoping he’d realize that just because a girl had a fair complexion and fake red hair doesn’t necessarily mean she’s gringa.

I hate you, cabby.

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                       Hips and Hair I Hate You Ryder Dress, $50

Can you smile and flip the bird?

After a quick check-in at the motel, I walked about 10 minutes while being showered by freezing rain looking for my room.  King sized bed, Kardashians on TV and a working cellphone.  I was ok.

I called the same cabby the next day even though I could walk to the Sourpuss Clothing warehouse.  I figured I’d spent too much time in the cold anyways.  I was greeted by Amanda, the photographer and what looked like a never ending shoe room.  Her colorful skin made me notice my lack of tattoos.  I hoped I wasn’t too clean looking for them.  I told her I had a septum piercing just in case they wanted to toughen me up a bit but she said it wasn’t necessary.  After getting my makeup done, a very nice lady started doing my hair and I learned that no matter where I go, I’ll always get the “Oh lord!  Thick hair… And lots of it!”  She was extremely patient and funny and it made me happy to hear positive comments about my hair rather than negative ones, which I often get in Puerto Rico.

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Hips and Hair Cute Ryder Dress, $50
Hips and Hair True Love Ryder Dress, $50
Hips and Hair Unimpressed Dress, $50

I was extremely nervous and stiff when Amanda started shooting me but I loosened up once she told me smiling is good and I saw a “Do not do this” sign showing a model with pouty lips and a sultry look.  They also asked me to pose with Alexa Nicole, an experienced alternative model from New Jersey.  After lots of changes and many fun dresses later, they took us to Wawa and I was a first timer.  I was impressed by the touch screen ordering thingamajig and by how fast they made my quesadillas.  Is this the real life?  Is this just fantasy?

After stuffing out faces, we went to Bombshell Pin Ups, a magical place with different themed rooms.  A.K.A. my future home.  We shot at a retro kitchen room and a circus themed one.  We were finally able to use props and had a ton of fun.  Alexa Nicole and I even “fed” each other fake cupcakes.  Yum.

Always feed the models.

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CalaverasCardigan

                               Hell Bunny Olivia Cardigan, $62
                               Hell Bunny Calaveras Cardigan, $62

When we returned to the Sourpuss warehouse, we got our checks, a goodie bag (4 dresses and a cardigan yaaaas) and Alexa offered me a ride so I could get back to where I was staying at by getting on a single train.

I’m glad I bit the bullet back in January of last year.  Committing to a daily workout and smaller portions of yummy food was tough but I finally got to where I wanted to be.  I still have a less than long way to go, but I know I’ll get there this year.

This was truly a super fun experience and I got a sneak peek at Sourpuss’s Spring 2015 collection, which is ah-mah-zahng!  I now wish Puerto Rico had more reliable public transportation.  I would take the train every single day.

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                                                   Steady Diva Swing Dress, $76

Can anyone get married?  I need an excuse to purchase this dress.  Please and thank you.